


Hidden And Hurting

by DragonWarrior07



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt Rin, M/M, Pain, Rin thinks MakoHaru, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24930094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWarrior07/pseuds/DragonWarrior07
Summary: "You bloomed flowers in my lungs, but now I can't breathe."Rin is in love with his childhood friend and rival for long, but browsing down social media and mails he realises Haru may be in love with Makoto. It hurt. The feelings hurt until it felt dying was better than taking it all. And that's when it happened. The disease.
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Nanase Haruka
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	1. And It Hurts Like Hell

**Author's Note:**

> From Rin's perspective.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I know you're happier, ain't you?"

The more he thought about it, the more it hurt.  
Haru loved Makoto.  
Obvious. It was dawn obvious. As obvious as day and night.  
They had forever been together, forever been for each other, held hands, went to school together, laughed together, swam together… he, Rin, was just being a third wheel.  
Every time he stared at those pictures of the two boys together Gou had sent him, his inside burned. It was an awful, painful sting. Burning and flooding at the same time.  
He strolled past the videos and pictures of them. He didn’t leave a single social media site, didn’t leave a single mail from a friend tagged “MakoHaru”.  
It hurt. It stabbed. It stung. The way they smiled at each other, the way Haru was overwhelmed when Makoto said he was going to Tokyo, those childhood photographs… everything.  
“MakoHaru is canon!”  
“MakoHaru is the most popular tag in the fandom”  
Everything hurt. Everything stabbed. Everything stung. It pained, but he liked the pain. The more he saw, he more he wanted to see. He wanted to feel the pain. He liked the pain.  
Because it was a proof. The proof that these feelings for his childhood friend and rival was insane. Irrational. Meaningless. Useless.  
Because it whispered him, “Move on.”  
But he knew it was impossible. Seven years he tried to move on. Seven years he failed. Seven years he told himself, “Wait for the time when you two would be together.” Seven years he fell asleep dreaming of his azure-eyed prince charming. Seven years he woke up hoping one day he’d wake up next to his azure-eyed prince charming.  
Yet all the dreams were shattered now. Shattered lie pieces of glass where every shard stung deep, deep inside.  
“But at least,” Rin said at last, “He’s happy, right? I don’t deserve him anyway.”  
Just by the thought of Haru, the spring of his life, smiling, made him smile. And the very next instant it pained. For he knew, Haru would be smiling beside Makoto, not him.  
“But he at least, he’d be happy,” Rin shifted to his side, hugging his phone that showed a picture of him and Haru and closed his eyes.  
And then he coughed. A small cough. But a drop of blood fell on his tear-stained shirt. He turned to look at it, but it wasn’t just a drop of blood. It looked like a petal now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. So I've put a twist in hanahaki disease, a disease born of unrequited love: instead of coughing flowers, the victims cough blood which turn into petals as they reach the ground.   
> 2\. And the main thing behind writing this is... today, while browsing YouTube, I stumbled on some HaruMako clips and it just pained so much to imagine Rin seeing this. Then, turning on Happier on repeat and stained in tears myself, I pretended to be Rin and wrote this. RinHaru for life!


	2. Running Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rin receives a mail from Nagisa for an "All-boys meet" with the other four guys, but for sanity's sake, he didn't want to join.

It was already late when he woke up the next morning and that too, because of a mail.

> _To: Matsuoka Rin_
> 
> _From: Nagisa Hazuki_
> 
> _Good morning! We’re going to have a meeting today morning! At 10 am! At the park near elementary school! Please join us! Haru-chan, Mako-chan, Rei-chan are here too! It’s an all-boys meet! Will be waiting!_

It was winter break now, and he was staying at his home in Japan.

Against his wish, his mind crawled back to Haru, who, he knew, would be still eating mackerel at this time of the year. He was sure the boy, now a man, would even swim outdoor if given a chance. When they’d meet, Haru would…

“What the hell are you thinking, Rin?” the boy got a hold of himself.

Then another picture flashed in his mind. Today morning, like any other morning, Makoto would be there to escort Haru from his home to the park, and then he’d laugh with _his_ Haru, chat with _his_ Haru, hold hands of _his_ Haru and…

Wait, was Haru really his? No, he wasn’t. Haru was never Rin’s. Makoto was always the one to “own” Haru, be with him, swim with him…

“Then why are getting so possessive over him?” Rin cursed himself, but it just hurt more.

He felt guilty for being so selfish but he knew, he couldn’t help it. He wanted to there with the boys but then the thought of Haru smiling at Makoto stung him. He hated to be a barrier. He hated to be third-wheel.

Yet, his heart stung. His heart desperately wanted to see his childhood rival again. Just once. Only once.

And Rin perhaps would have followed his heart if the cough hadn’t come.

A short cough. A dry cough. A drop of blood fell and turned to a petal before reaching the ground.

“Sorry, but I can’t come.” He texted back.


	3. One Week Has Passed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru is sure Rin is avoiding him... but why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Haru's perspective now.

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve.

A week has passed. The all-boys meet was a week ago. All-boys meet without the boy. The boy he wanted to meet. The boy he wanted to talk to, hold just once.

 _It was cold and he didn’t want to get up from his hot water bathtub. But the thought that_ he _’d be there made him get up quicker than usual. He got up early, dressed up early and was already midway when Makoto came._

_Knowing how much Rin meant to him, his best friend didn’t raise a question and just smiled, “I bet he’s more than eager to meet you as well.”_

_He didn’t reply and just stared at the ocean. Somehow he wasn’t that sure. Lately Rin had been ignoring him altogether. Replied the mails shorter than himself. Dodging questions like “When are you going to meet?” or “What’s wrong?” as far as possible._

_When they finally reached the place, everybody was there. Except Rin. The boy whose thoughts hadn’t let him sleep last night. The boy whose thoughts dragged him out of bed. Out of bathtub. The boy he wanted to talk to. Touch. Once. Just once._

_10 am. 11 am. 12 pm. Lunch. Back home. Without Rin. All without Rin. Rin hadn’t come. Dodged him again. Avoided him again._

_Throughout the week, the four boys toured around the place. Boys’ night-out, all boys’ meets, bar hangouts, nabe, but all without Rin. Everyday Rin gave lame excuses. Cold, training, study. Cold? Cold for a wee? Training swimming in winter? Studying even at night-outs?_

Finally, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d always been the silent type but now, he must talk. Talk till all the misunderstandings had been solved. Talk till he got all the answers. Talk till he wasn’t avoided anymore.

So that fine winter morning, just a day before New Year’s Eve, a scarf around his neck, Haruka Nanase walked all the way to his friend-and-rival’s house, completely oblivious to the other boy’s illness.


	4. Dying Flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru finally sees Rin's condition.

“Onii-chan is ill,” Gou whispered nervously as she led Haru upstairs, “He’s been ill for a week now, his cough getting worse by the day. He doesn’t get out of his room, doesn’t eat, doesn’t talk…”

“So you’ve got her to lie to me now, Rin?” Haru closed his eyes, the words in his mind. Rin’s couldn’t be that ill, could he? If he were, wasn’t he, Haru, one of Rin’s closest friend to know? But what if he was…

A soft creak brought him back to reality. The door to Rin’s room was open and there he was, the redhead, huddled at a corner of the bed.

Something stung him deep in the stomach. Rin was there, sleeping. So soft, so weak, so … vulnerable. And he didn’t now. He, Haru, one of Rin’s closest friend, didn’t know anything about it.

“Rin…?” Haru whispered once Gou had left the room and he was there in the room alone with him. With Rin.

The redhead groaned in his sleep. And coughed. A soft cough. A dry cough. But a drop of blood trickled* down the corner of his lips. Down, down. (*in my version of Hanahaki disease, the drop of blood only turns into a petal if it fell down, not if it trickled down.)

And he, Haru, didn’t know how to react just then.

Frozen. Shocked. Drowning. Drowning in oceans of fire.

_“I quit. I’m done swimming.” A mid-schooler Rin had said. It’d broken his, Haru’s, heart._

_“I’m done swimming.” A high-schooler Rin had said. It’d broken his, Haru’s, heart._

Then, it hurt. It hurt deep, it cut deep, it stung deep.

But not pained this much.

Nothing.

Ever.

Rin, his Rin, lay so vulnerable tucked in the blanket, fighting.

Struggling.

Surviving.

And he was just a silent spectator.

He couldn’t save Rin.

Protect Rin.

Or even help Rin.

Just stand and watch.

And wait.

Till Rin fades.

Till Rin goes.

Till Rin escapes.

Till Rin quits.

Till Rin leaves.


	5. All I Had Held Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And finally... that happened.

When Rin’s eyes opened, a sharp stab was stinging him in his inside. His lungs felt on fire and he could hardly breathe.

He coughed once. Twice. Something soft and warm and fluid raced down his lips, while something soft and feathery landed on his arm. A petal.

There was someone in the room. He could feel the presence. Someone who made him feel much worse. Shot up the pain. Made him cough more. Flooded his heart and burnt it at the same time.

But he couldn’t open his eyes. True, he was in pain. Too much in pain. Way too much in pain.

But that wasn’t the real reason to not open his eyes.

The true thing was he was scared. Scared of whom he might see. Scared because he didn’t know how to confront him. _Him_. It had got to be _him_. _Him_ , whom he had been desperately trying to avoid and dying to meet again.

A suffocating silence clogged the room. Yes, it had to be him. Quiet as forever. But wait, he was breathing fast. Faster. Sucking in air, and letting out frustration. Worry. Pain. Everything was leaving in the way he breathed.

“…Haru?” Rin was the first one to break the silence.

“Don’t leave,” a bare whisper came.

Of all the things Rin had imagined, this was not one. Leave? Leave where?

 _Maybe I won’t ever leave the bed again, and you’re talking about leaving._ The thought etched a soft, sad smile on his lips but that didn’t remain for long.

“Rin,” Haru’s quiet, monotonous voice came again, so low yet so warm. A cold hand slipped on the redhead’s forehead, softly stroking his hair. “Tell me Rin, you won’t leave.”

Sick, as he was, Rin couldn’t help a warm tinkling in his cheeks.

“Idiot,” Rin whispered with a scoff, “Leave where?”

“Blood. Tell me. Why is there blood when you cough?”

_There are three ways to get rid of this disease. Hanahaki disease born of unrequited love. Either, your feelings are proven mutual. Or it has to be removed through surgery in cost of all the memories you shared with the person. Or… accept the end of your life._

_There was no way Rin could forget Haru. His goals, his dreams, his will, his life… everything was centred around this one person. A life without this person would be lie a blind wanderer lost in the world._

_And there was no way his feelings could be returned. Haru loved Makoto, it was clear as day and night. Everyone new. They, their friends, the whole world. He’d just be an intruder for nothing._

_And that just left…_

“I… caught a bad cough days ago, too sic now,” Rin tried his best to lie. After all, what could he say? 

_Listen Haru, I’ve been in love with you for long and now caught this disease called Hanahai because my feelings are not reciprocated so I’ve been coughing blood that turns to petals when they touch the ground and that’s why----_

“Lie. You lie.” Haru’s voice was calm, almost cold.

And to Rin’s utmost surprise, he could feel hands slide in his blankets, toughing his sin and finally holding his wrist.

“W-What the hell are you doing, idiot?” if not for his weak condition, Rin’s shout might have brought the entire household to his room.

The warmth and colour shot back to his chees again and again, his lungs feel on fire. Rin coughed once. Twice.

“Tell me.” Haru pressed on, “Why do you have to leave?”

Now this was too much for Rin to take. Leave, leave, leave. Where will he leave? Why will he leave? How will he leave? Why the heck was Haru being so ridiculous?

Rin sat up and with remaining of his strength grabbed the collar of Haru’s sweater. “What the hell are you speaking about?”

And that’s when Haru saw the flower petals lining the corner of the bed and a book, a small book neatly tucked in the blankets, titled… Hanahaki disease. The disease born of unrequited love.

For long, Rin waited for a reply. But Haru say didn’t a word. As if his breath had stopped. As if what he saw had beheld his life.

And as he followed Haru’s gaze with his own, Rin saw…

“Leave that alone, idiot---” he screamed (would have screamed, that is, if he was his older self) but thanks to his state, Haru had already the book in his hand.

Their eyes met. Both were shocked. Both were horrified. Both were speechless.

Rin coughed again and this time though he tried to hide it, Haru’s eyes had already caught the small petals slipping through Rin’s fingers.

“W-wait,” Rin mumbled, “I- see, it’s not whatta think. I can explain...its like---”

He couldn’t complete because somebody was hugging him hard. Embrace. A warm embrace. Just like the one he’d given Haru after winning the relay. Just as warm. Just as loving. Just as…

“Rin,” came a voice that was cold and warm at the same time, “Just don’t leave me. You’re needed. You’re loved. You…”

Rin was forever a person moved by feelings and feelings as strong as Haru’s voice just leaked, was more than enough to move him to tears and spill everything he was holding back for so long.

“But… idiot, I love you way too much,” he half whispered, half choked in tears, “And since you love Makoto and water, I can never have you and it’s… impossible to live without your memories so, yea, I’m sorry but I gotta leave. Like forever and ----”

“Rin.” Haru’s hold loosen and his eyes looked like any ocean in summer, and he slowly closed the distance between them, his voice almost shaing with emotions, “But, how did you know your feelings aren’t returned? I like you. I’ve liked you forever. Not as rival. More than a friend. More than Makoto. More than anyone else. I…”

But Rin didn’t let Haru complete. They were so close that their noses touched. Their foreheads touched. And now, Rin closed the last gap between them. His warm lips touched Haru’s cold ones.

“I love you.” Haru whispered as Rin left.

Rin coughed again. But this time, no blood trickled. No petal fell. Just the brightest smile became etched on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it, we're at the end. Did you like the story? Were the characters believable? I'd love to hear from you all :)  
> And, since today's the day, 30 June, a very happy birthday to Haruka Nanase!

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. So I've put a twist in hanahaki disease, a disease born of unrequited love: instead of coughing flowers, the victims cough blood which turn into petals as they reach the ground.  
> 2\. And the main thing behind writing this is... today, while browsing YouTube, I stumbled on some HaruMako clips and it just pained so much to imagine Rin seeing this. Then, turning on Happier on repeat and stained in tears myself, I pretended to be Rin and wrote this. RinHaru for life!


End file.
